What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Who.
Did.
This?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.