It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation