Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”