{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Thoughts
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.