“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.