WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.