You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Story of my life…..
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts