With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in