put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.