9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Let鈥檚 normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 馃檨
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
馃ぃ馃ぃ
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn鈥檛 do jail
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.