Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
i- i did not expect this
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.