3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This fish is cracking me up
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.