i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
This is painfully accurate 😅
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.