My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.