felt cute might bury dad later idk
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0