HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
What?!?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.