Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.