My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
i actually laughed 😩
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?