Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day