Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.