Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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Happy Star Wars day!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.