Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free