Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?