With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.