I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Bloody internet 😳
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.