A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.