If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking