If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.