He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You Might Also Like
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything