my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
meow
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”