At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers