Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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“no gods no masters” = leo
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.