When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Netflix: We have Less
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot