Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Vodka burrito was a success
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.