wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Feels
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
first you must answer his riddles