When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.