Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
🔦🌙👣
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.