Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.