[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Coffee is ready.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?