Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
WHY?!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Start the year as you intend to continue.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real