we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done