Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.