I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”