Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Erm…
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.