Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.