Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.