i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
It’s a gift
This guy gets it.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
incredible text to wake up to
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.