please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???