ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Cndnsd Mlk
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.