*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Not recommended for beginners.